My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
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Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.