I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
New tinder profile pic
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”