[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal