My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir