“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.