Foo fighters still fighting foo.
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Sex so good you see dead people.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though