Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
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I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not