“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.


*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”


4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.


[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me


[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?


I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.


If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.


What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)