“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Stop sending me this shit.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.