me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
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“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Raisins are grape jerky.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.