I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.