met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 馃槒馃槒
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He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13掳 weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
If I鈥檓 reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You鈥檙e thinking about how Nellie Breton didn鈥檛 invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Daughter鈥檚 math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad鈥檚 bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver鈥檚 license
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I鈥檓 giving up ice.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he鈥檚 sick of me being on every channel.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.