met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 馃槒馃槒
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Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
detective: where鈥檚 that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Good point.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American鈥檛 and I鈥檓 officially applying to move to Mars now
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma鈥檚 trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma鈥檚 dead hon
Me: That鈥檚 why I鈥檓 yelling
Wait for it! 馃ぃ馃憦馃槤
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that鈥檚 just great
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he鈥檚 been a lifelong smoker
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”