(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
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All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.