A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
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Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
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Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..