Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
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if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!