*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
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ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Great Canadian literature.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.