Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
#Thanos #MondayMood
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Wednesday
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too