Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
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“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.