6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
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Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over