6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
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Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.