[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
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Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up