Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
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Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things