@KalvinMacleod

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

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@simoncholland

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

@WheelTod

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

@RealCarrotFacts

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

@DaddyJew

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

@o__0Dev

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

@mommajessiec

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

@malt_skull

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

@bridger_w

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things