I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
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ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.