My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
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Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater