I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
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Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now