Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
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Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Why do meteors always land in craters?