Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
meanwhile over on facebook
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.