Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
This a good idea
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?