@tritium_h3
@Aspersioncast “This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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@Aspersioncast 
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
@ICantEven001 Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
@internetluke [at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
@YourFavMexi_Can I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
@EliTerry Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
@Marcmywords2 Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
@karanbirtinna Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
@Valdemort_Arg “No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
@bigdybbukenergy can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
