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@Scarfolk

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

@JasonLastname

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

@dave_cactus

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

@TheBoydP

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

@jtharuler

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

@Book_Krazy

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

@baseballchickie

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

@david8hughes

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

@OBiiieeee

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.