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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

@ICantEven001

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

@internetluke

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

@YourFavMexi_Can

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

@EliTerry

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

@karanbirtinna

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

@Valdemort_Arg

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”