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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?