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Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.


If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.


*sees a truck*

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.


Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”


birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here


CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.


First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)


He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.


Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.