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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.


Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?


[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone


I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.


Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.


Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.


“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”