Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

Me, in DM rooms…

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

Acronyms got me like WTF?

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.