[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula