“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Isn’t
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time