Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
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Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
#DesignFail
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
So sick of all these stupid rules
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.