Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
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People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
reviewed some movies recently
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you