My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship