“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored