a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
You Might Also Like
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.