All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
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7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.