I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…