Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
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“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Running from your problems is cardio .
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Just how popey was the pope today?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby