Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
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Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.