Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]