*checks real estate listings on other planets*
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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!