her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
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I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead