Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m going to need a moment here.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
the composer
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud