[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
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Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Why do meteors always land in craters?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.