Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
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My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
When I said I liked it rough.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her