Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
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if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
and now we wait
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon