Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
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I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.