Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
You Might Also Like
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
every single time
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.