Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
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i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
If only
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.