[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?